Million Dollar Preview! – Nick Loves WrestleMania!

As some of you may know myself (Neck Ethernet) and the Bertuzzo boys (Marco ‘n’ Adge) recently started a second D’n’DUI network podcast! Million Dollar REBOOT!

We’re also trying out a new format for special episodes! The first “I Love ________ & You Should Too!” will be Wrestling!!!

So if you’ve never enjoyed Professional Wrestling you can read on and get the same primer Marco & Adge will be studying before watching the biggest sports entertainment event of the year! WRESTLEMANIA!

What You Need To Know To Love Wrestlemania 31!

If you have never experienced wrestling before and want to give it a genuine shot, here’s the most important thing to keep in mind.

IT’S REALLY DUMB.  Like… wrestling is super dumb most of the time…  But that doesn’t mean it can’t be really fun. Try to think of it in the same way you think about action movies, comic books or even theme park stunt shows.  Although the conceit is that wrestling is a real sport, consider it more as a TV show about a sport than a sports broadcast.

If you open your mind you can really enjoy the athleticism, blurring of reality, and performance of over the top characters.

So here’s the basics!

UPDATE! – Max Landis, Writer and Filmsman made this amazing short film that kinda says everything I’d like to say way better than me so maybe watch this first. Or after… You should watch this.

Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled rambling.
UPDATE OVER!

Basic Wrestling Rules!

Pinfall = when a wrestler “pins” his opponent to the mat by holding the opponent’s shoulder to the mat for a 3 count, as counted by the official.

Kick-out = When a wrestler is able to lift his shoulder off the ground breaking his opponents pin.

Submission = When a wrestler places an opponent in a hold which is so painful the opponent forfeits the match by “tapping out”, usually by tapping the mat.

Count Out = When both wrestlers have been outside the ring the official can start a count, if either or both wrestlers do not enter the ring again within a 10 count ten the match ends and official assigns a winner.

Corner Count = A wrestler may not hold an opponent in the corner of the ring for more than a 5 count or risk disqualification.

Grabbing the Ropes = If a wrestler grabs hold of the ropes of the ring, his opponent must release him from any holds, submissions or the like or risk disqualification.

Tag Team Rules = A tag is made whenever a wrestler makes contact with their teammate. Once tagged in they must make contact with an opponent before they can tag in a teammate.

 

Basic Wrestling Terms

“Card” = The list of match which make up an event, eg. “This card has 6 matches, the mid-card is pretty weak though”

“Face” = (Or “Babyface”) is a good guy

“Heel” = A bad guy!

“Gimmick” = The crux of a wrestler’s character, eg. “Curtis Axel’s new gimmick is basically that he’s shitty Hulk Hogan, it’s great.”

“Sell” = To “Sell” is when a wrestler makes a move his opponent did look more painful or effective than it really is, “No-Selling” is the opposite.

“Work” = Something that is a “Work” is part of the constructed narrative

“Shoot” = Something that is a “Shoot” is authentic and not part of the constructed narrative

“Kayfabe” = the constructed narrative that pro-wrestling is a real competition.

“Mark” = A fan who believes wrestling is real.

“Marking Out” = Getting so caught up in a match you don’t think about whether it’s real or not and are just excited in the moment.

“Smark” = Or “Smart Mark” is someone who knows wrestling is not real but enjoys the backstage, politics and meta stories around professional wrestling. They also spend a lot of time bitching on www.reddit.com/r/squaredcircle

“Over” = When a wrestler is liked by the crowd they are “Over”

“Promo” = When a wrestler does a monologue challenging, insulting or even praising another wrestler. eg. “The Rock can cut a bad ass promo.”
So now you know some of the lingo. Really if your forget all of that it doesn’t matter. What matters is investing in a character and cheering for them.

Here’s an estimation of the matches/ stories that’ll be on the Wrestlemania Card this year!

 

Who’s Who in the WWE and at Wrestlemania 31!

 Note = the proposed “card” here is filled in with speculation and not presented in any particular order

 

The Andre the Giant Battle Royal!

Match Type: Battle Royal!
Special Rules: 30 man match, all competitors start in the ring, elimination occurs when a wrestler goes over the top rope and both feet touch the floor

Competitors; A bunch of dudes! Main things to look for here is
Miz vs. Mizdow = The Miz is an asshole who thinks he’s an A-list movie star.  Damien Mizdow is his personal assistant.  Mizdow used to be Miz’s stunt double but the crowd liked him too much so Miz demoted him. Tension between them has been building for months.

Mizdow is my pick to win this match. At least I’d like him to… he probably won’t…

 

bigshowThe Big Show! The giant. 7 feet tall, 425 pounds. He’s a fucking giant so he’s probably got a good chance of going far in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal.

 

Tag Team Championship

Match Type: 4 Tag Team Match
Competitors; Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (Heels) Vs. The Usos (Faces) Vs. Probably 2 other tag teams.
K&CCesaro & Tyson Kidd = The Tag Team Champs!
These two are pretty great wrestlers and Cesaro is the strongest performer in the WWE

Watch some crazy ass Cesaro feats of strength here!
Also you can watch him work out here!

UsosThe Usos = Winners of Tag Team of the year. Also kids fucking love the Usos. They are my pick to win this match, even though I hope Kidd & Cesaro defend.

 

Spooky Guys Match!

Match Type: Some kind of Undertaker gimmick, buried alive match or something

Competitors; Bray Wyatt (Heel) Vs. The Undertaker (Face)

 

brayBray Wyatt = Bray wants to be the new spooky guy in the WWE, his gimmick is that he’s like a weird cult leader. He’s spent the last month calling out the Undertaker hoping for a Wrestlemania match.

Undertaker accepted.

 

takerThe Undertaker = The phenom. Wrestlemania is Undertaker’s show. He went 21 years in a row winning every one of his Wrestlemania matches.  In 2014 Brock Lesnar broke that streak. Now Undertaker hasn’t been seen since. I think he’ll pick up the win over Wyatt.

Here’s some Undertaker spooky guy moments.

 

Brand Loyalty Match!

Match Type: Standard Rules

Competitors; Triple H (Heel) Vs. Sting (Face)

Triple H. or HHH = On TV he’s the C.O.O. of WWE and leader of “The Authority”, he’s been with the company since 1992 and never left. He has beaten a ton of ex-WCW wrestlers in the past. WCW was once WWE’s main competition until the went out of business and all their rights were bought up by WWE.

Triple H yelling at Booker T ( one of those ex-WCW guys who now work commentary for Monday Night Raw! )

Sting, never left WCW. He’s a mysterious vigilante who showed up about 6 months ago in the WWE for the first time ever. Let’s hope Sting wins and becomes the new owner of WWE… or whatever the actual stakes of this match are.

Here’s a retrospective on Sting!

 

USA Championship Match

Match Type: No Disqualification, Potentially “I Quit” Match
Special Rules; No Rules! Or maybe the only way for the match to end is if someone says “I Quit”.

Competitors; Rusev (Heel) Vs. John Cena (Face)

Rusev = USA Champion.  Rusev has not lost a match since his debut just over a year ago.  He’s the hero of the Russian Federation and is escorted by “The Ravishing Russian, Lana” who also manages for him.

Rusev beat the crap out of Sheamus to win the US title.

John Cena = The literal face of the company. John Cena has been the number one guy in the WWE for over 10 years. He’s also an American who hates Rusev disrespecting his country. Cena hasn’t won anything in a while so I think he’s set to break Rusev’s undefeated streak.

John Cena & Hulk Hogan visited Twitter, what a guy!

Divas Tag Team Match!

Match Type: 2 vs 2 Tag Team Match

Competitors; Brie & Nikki Bella (Heels) Vs. AJ Lee & Paige (Faces)

AJ Lee = She’s like… weird and quirky and skips a lot. She’s a pretty good wrestler too. She’s married to CM Punk who is fucking great.

paigePaige = Potentially the best woman wrestler in the active WWE roster, she’s British and charming. I hope Paige wins, even if there isn’t a title on the line…

Here’s a fan retrospective on Paige

The Bella Twins, Brie Bella & Nikki Bella (Divas Champion)
The Bellas are bitches. Brie isn’t as bad as Nikki but still, come on.

 

Grudge Match!

Match Type: Standard Rules

Competitors; Seth Rollins (Heel) Vs. Randy Orton (Face)

Seth Rollins = is a real chicken shit and the Authority’s number one guy.  He won the Money in the Bank, which means he has a briefcase he can cash in at any time in exchange for a WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match.

He also recently had a feud with John Stewart from the Daily Show which culminated in Seth doing his own version of the Daily Show on Raw.

Randy Orton = Is known as the Apex Predator or the Legend Killer. He used to be a member of the authority until he was put out of commission for about 4 months because of this.

Also people make vines out of his finishing move “the RKO”
He’ll probably hit Rollins with 5 RKOs and win.

 

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match!

Match Type: Ladder Match!
Special Rules: The Intercontinental Championship Belt will be hung above the ring.  A bunch of ladders will be placed around the ring. The first competitor to use a ladder to climb up and retrieve the belt becomes the new Intercontinental Champion!

Competitors; Daniel Bryan (Face) Vs. Dolph Ziggler (Face) Vs. Dean Ambrose (Face) Vs. R-Truth (Face) Vs. Bad News Barrett (Heel) Vs. Luke Harper (Heel) Vs. Stardust (Heel) Vs. ??? (Probably Sheamus (Heel))

Daniel Bryan = The fan favourite. The ultimate underdog. A great beard.  Here’s a video from last Wrestlemania that pretty much sums up Daniel Bryan.

Dolph Ziggler = A cocky, smart ass, never say die kind of dude.  (He’s my favourite!) I’ll be wearing my Ziggler shirt and rooting for him to get that belt! Here’s Dolph talking about this ladder match.

deanDean Ambrose = More of a brawler than a wrestler. Dean Ambrose is a wild card as far as Faces goes. Here’s a promo.

intercontThe rest!
Luke Harper = Used to be one of Bray Wyatt’s followers, they still work together sometimes but Harper just sorta wanders around beating people up.

Wade “Bad News” Barrett = The current Intercontinental Champion, he was a bare knuckle brawler in England. He gives people bad news a lot.

R-Truth = is hilarious.

Stardust = is also apparently in the match, even though it seemed he would be fighting his step brother Golddust. so… I dunno… Stardust is weird

 

MAIN EVENT!!
WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Match Type: Standard Rules

Competitors; Brock Lesnar (Heel) Vs. Roman Reigns (Face)

Brock Lesnar = Suplexed John Cena 15 times at SummerSlam

Beat the Undertaker

Also was the undisputed UFC Heavyweight Champion

Let’s listen to Paul Heyman (Brock’s Manager) tell us about Brock’s intention for Wrestlemania.

I want to see Brock disassemble Roman Reigns.

Roman Reigns = won the royal rumble!

He used to be in a group called the SHIELD with Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins, but since Rollins betrayed them Roman has been getting a big push. Smark’s sorta hate him, kids and normal people seem to really get behind him!

Let’s see if he can hang with Brock!

That’s all folks!

Hope that got you excited!
if not watch this Triple Threat match. It’s nuts.

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